I’m sitting here at my desk just completely nude, and all I can think of is - “Will Erik Karlsson be a Senator for life?” Let’s pretend for a second that it’s 2022. You go outside in beautiful Ottawa, Canada...but it’s not beautiful. You have to wear a hazmat suit because of the acid rain pouring down on you. Not only is it toxic for your skin, it’s also toxic for your soul. You see, the moment the Senators traded Erik Karlsson, the world became toxic. Now, is it really raining acid? Or am I using it as a metaphor for how black my insides are?
Trading Erik Karlsson would be the biggest mistake that not only Pierre Dorion would make, but all of humankind would make. Why is Erik so important to our city? Well, for one, he’s kinda like Jesus. You give Erik Karlsson flour, he makes bread, if you give him grapes, he makes wine, and if you give him a box of Jos Louis, he adds a bit of oil to them so that they aren’t so dry. So dry that if you eat one, you risk choking to death. What’s better? Death, or life? You choose.
Let’s pretend for a moment that Erik Karlsson signs an 8 year contract extension with the Senators. It’s 2022, you walk outside in beautiful Ottawa, Canada. The sun is shining, but it’s raining. You look closer though and you realize it’s not rain, it’s mini peanut butter cups. Then you hear a familiar voice. You look over, it’s Marc Methot singing Hallelujah while Erik Karlsson does parawets in a pink tootoo. All is right in the world. Until you hear the unforgettable sound of a Harley Davidson revving. That sound only means one thing. Erik Condra and the Boyz are rolling into town.
Condra gets off his bike and points at Karlsson. “You should have come to Tampa Bay when you had the chance. Now, you’ll pay,” said Condra.
Condra then pulls out a bow and arrow, and shoots it right at Karlsson. This arrow isn’t any normal arrow though, this arrow has a Jos Louis attached to it’s tip. Erik Karlsson screams, “NOOOOOOOOO”
Just as the Jos Louis is about to pierce Karlsson, Marc Methot jumps in front and takes it right in the chest. Methot crumbles to the ground and Karlsson rushes to his side.
“MARC, YOU SAVED MY LIFE! I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL”, yelled Karlsson
“get.....me......milk”, was all Marc could say, but it was too late. His body dryed up like a raisen in the summer heat.
Wait.....what does this have to do with Erik Karlsson signing a contract with the Sens? Nothing, yet everything.