Here we are folks, a new year in Sens land. But Sens land ain’t nothing like Disney Land, where there are rides, cotton candy, and funny characters. Sens land is full of brutal torture and characters that will make you puke. Ottawa is mired in the coldest losing culture this team has ever seen. We’ve seen excuse after excuse for their performances:
• My Dog ate my homework
• Guy Boucher yelled at me
• My car wouldn’t start
• Eugene Melnyk was mean to me
• I only got 5 million dollars, not 6 million dollars
But when will the excuses stop? When will the Senators start taking accountability for this lost season? Well, unfortunately, things need to change. And that starts with enigmatic Mike Hoffman.
Mike Hoffman should be leading our team in goals, but instead, he’s leading our team in frowns per minute. You can tell the guy just ain’t happy. During commercial breaks, he’s off to the corner by himself while the rest of the team huddles together trying to find a way out of this mess. However, Mike Hoffman is our most skilled forward, and you need him on this team if they hope to get out of this slump.
So what do you do to get Mike Hoffman to buy in? Well, that’s a great question. Pierre and Guy have tried many things to no avail:
• Yelled swear words at him
• Threw his street clothes into the wet shower
• Stole his box of Oh Henry’s and replaced them with Bounty Bars
• Put him on a line with Nate Thompson and Gabriel Dumont (who?)
All of these methods failed, so there is only one thing left to do: trade him
But bRian, we need him to win you said? Doesn’t trading him away mean the exact opposite? Well, yes and no, and maybe. Hear me out here: you call Mike Hoffman at 2am in the morning and tell him that he’s been traded to Florida. Mike will hop out of his bed excited as anything, because Mike’s dream is to be on Miami Vice. Mike rushes over to the CTC to meet with Pierre and to collect his things. But when he arrives, Pierre tells him he’s just kidding, he’s actually been traded to Calgary to play for his old buddy Dave Cameron.
Yes, Mike Hoffman will take a swing at Pierre and yes, he may knock Pierre out cold. But this action will get the most energy and emotion out of Mike than anyone has ever seen. When Pierre comes to, he’ll say, “Mike, welcome to your first day being an Ottawa Senator.” Hoffman will pull Pierre up and they will embrace and cry. The Rocky 2 music will start playing in the background as clips of Mike Hoffman lighting it up for the Ottawa Senators start playing, thus turning this team around into a Stanley Cup contender.