Some NHL players relax their bodies in the summer, some train their bodies beyond control.....but some players need to find more. More stimulation, more love....more meaning. The story of Mark Borowiecki is a somber one. A man with a dream that no one can see. A man with a past that society refuses to accept. Who is Mark Borowiecki? A hockey player? Sure. But who IS Mark Borowiecki? Not even Mark knows that. Not until this summer. Mark Borowiecki went on a quest unlike the world has seen. What did Mark find? Exotic beasts of the plains? Of course. Treasure not seen since The Fourth Age when the people of God passed over into Babylonia? Absolutely. But more importantly, Mark found.....meaning. This is his quest.
The moment the Penguins scored that fateful goal on a cold May evening, Mark immediately got naked and put on a suit of armour. He told Guy Boucher, "I want to be a knight and rescue princesses." Guy Boucher called the cops. Mark spent that night in his cell dreaming in a language he's never learned. He awoke drenched in sweat, and realized he wrote a transcript in that language on the cell wall with his own blood. What did it say??? Mark Borowiecki knew there was only one place he could find out: Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Upon release, Mark booked the first ticket out of Ottawa and was soon sipping Mimosas via Air Canada. Mark raised his glass and yelled, "HOLY FUCK AIR CANADA, I LOVE YOU." Suddenly, a man rose from the seat in front of Mark. He turned around and gave Mark a great big hug. It was Air Canada himself, Vince Carter. "I love you too man" Vince said. Mark felt embarrassed and says, "LOL I was talking about the airplane company Air Canada. Not the basketball player nicknamed Air Canada." Vince Carter immediately began to cry, and this broke Mark's heart. Is this what was foretold on the ancient scripture from his dream? That he would break Vince Carter's heart?
"Listen, Vince. I don't love LOVE you. But I really like you. Truth be told, I'm a lot younger and grew up more during the Chris Bosh days. I don't love him either though. I only said I love Air Canada because I was in the moment because of the delicious mimosas" said Mark Borowiecki.
"That's fine Mark. But I legitimately thought you were talking about me, because I am sitting legit right in front of you, and I'm like 7 feet tall. I thought you saw me", said Vince Carter.
"Listen Vince, I knew you were sitting directly in front of me. But to be honest, I forgot your nickname was Air Canada. If I knew, I wouldn't have said it as not to confuse you with the company. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding", explained Mark.
"I get it Mark, but imagine someone said out loud 'I LOVE BOROCOP' and you were in the same room, and then you thought they loved you, but when you went to embrace them, they actually told you 'No I don't love Borocop the player, I love Borocop the company'. How would you feel??", Vince said.
"You know what? I didn't think about that? I would be upset. I'm sorry Vince. I'm truly sorry", Mark Borowiecki apologized.
"It's okay Mark Borowiecki. I accept your apology. Now that this is all behind us, maybe we could grab a drink at the bar when we land in Fort Lauderdale, Florida?", said an excited Vince Carter.
"I told you, I am more of a Chris Bosh fan. Let's just go our separate ways upon landing", explained Mark.
"You're an asshole Mark Borowiecki", said Vince.
When the plane landed, Mark stepped off, took a deep breathe.....and texted Erik Condra. The text read as follows: "Hi E, it's Marky Mark. How are you? I am good. Guess what? I am in your home city of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Long story short, I had a dream and when I awoke, I had written an ancient scripture in my own blood. I think it means something. Something that may even help me in my hockey career. I need your help to decipher it. Anyways, see any good movies this summer? Wonder Woman was better than expected. "
Mark got the following text back from Erik Condra: "Hello Marky Mark. I can't believe you're in Fort Lauderdale, Florida! The stuff about scripture and your own blood sounds insane. Because of this, I'd like you to keep your distance. Stay away from me and my entire family."
Mark Borowiecki didn't know what to do next. He spent his last dollar on the ham sandwich on the plane, and now had nowhere to go. Also, he had a great fear of Alligators. Why did he come here? What did the scripture mean!!? He fell to his knees and cursed God, "WHY? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? TELL ME", Mark screamed.
Suddenly, a flyer hit Mark right in the face. He picked it up and read it. It was written in the exact scripture he wrote from his dream. It was the new Chucky Cheese Fall menu! "Oh that's what it was!!", yelled Mark.
Mark Borowiecki got back on the plane and flew back to Ottawa, Canada. He finally knew, he knew he'd would be the best player this season as he could be. And he had Chucky Cheese to thank for it. But not Erik Condra. In fact, Mark is suing Erik Condra. For breach of character.