Hi folks, another great season of Senators hockey is finally upon us and this should be an exciting season, for many reasons. Why is Ottawa hockey so exciting? Because of the blood spill. When I watch Chris Neil ram another man’s face into the ice, I get up and scream. And then the OC Transpo driver yells, “HEYYYY SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET” and then I yell, “IT’S A FREE COUNTRY” and then he pulls over and says, “My bus...get out” and I say, “No” and it gets real quiet and a cop asks everyone off the bus but I refuse, and he asks me one more time, “Sir, please step off the bus”, and I’m all like “MAKE ME” and then he pepper sprays me and it’s beyond how they describe the pain in the news and it feels like your eyeballs are on fire and I scream “I NEED WATER I CAN’T BREATH” and the cop reads me my maranda rights and I say “I’M BLIND”. That’s why hockey is so exciting, because you can enjoy it anywhere.
Like always, I like to make a few predictions on what may or may not happen during the season. As you know, I have a great track record predicting trades, results, etc. For example, I predicted Guy Boucher would yell the word “FUCK”. Not only did he say it, he said it like 1000 times. I also predicted Chris Phillips would not play hockey last season, and that he would continue to run one of the most successful breweries in Canada and that he would find the cure for diarrhea in an accidental yeast/hops experiment that resulted in a bit of an explosion. The irony is that the brewery explosion resulted in a cure for another type of explosion
Prediction 1: Kyle Turris invites Matt Duchene to his Christmas party, but purposely gives him the wrong address so that he shows up with eggnog cocktails to the wrong place. In fact, Kyle Turris gives Duchene the address to the ocean, and Matt Duchene steps in and floats away while Backstreet Boys ‘Incomplete’ plays in the background
Prediction 2: Thomas Chabot makes the team but politely refuses, and then retires and opens his own Bake Shop and specializes in homemade donuts but quickly realizes Suzy Q has cornered the market and they put Thomas out of business. He shows up to Pierre Dorion’s house bagging for another chance and Pierre whistles really loud and suddenly a pack of well trained dogs come running out and drag poor Thomas out back and have their way with him
Prediction 3: The doctors that operated on Erik Karlsson’s ankle actually secretly inserted a spring inside, and when Shea Weber is coming in 100mph to drill Karlsson into the boards, the spring activates and Karlsson bounces over Weber and goes on a breakaway and scores and then he screams, “I’M INSPECTOR GADGET!! BUT NOT AS DUMB AS HIM. HE’S SO DUMB. HIS NIECE AND DOG HAVE TO DO ALL HIS WORK AND HE’S SO DUMB HE DOESN’T REALIZE IT. INSPECTOR GADGET IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF AN IDIOT”
Prediction 4: The world markets crash and the economy is sent into a downward spiral in which the world has never seen, wiping out everyone’s retirement savings and making the dollar worthless. Many jobs are lost and anarchy reigns supreme as everyone goes into survival mode and start stealing to feed the families.
Prediction 5: Guy Boucher grows a moustache and Marc Crawford makes fun of it, and Guy Boucher literally strangles Marc Crawford close to death in front of the entire team and many of them file criminal lawsuits and many sue for personal grievances due to the trauma of watching a grown man choke another man out when all they signed up for was to play hockey. Many players have a hard time sleeping because all they can hear in their heads is the piercing screams of Marc Crawford and the image of his LensCrafter Transitions shattering on the floor.