As all of you know, and if you don’t know then you’re kinda dumb, the Ottawa Senators played the Kraft Dinnerville game in beautiful PEI. However, the results were anything BUT beautiful. In fact, the result was ugly. I’m talking Beauty and the Beast ugly, if Beast fell off the ugly tree and hit every ugly branch on the way down. The Senators lost 8-1, and unfortunately, Mike Condon let in ALL the goals. Let’s call a spade a diamond, Mike Condon was terrible. But guess what guys? It’s pre-season!! He’s got plenty of time to work on his game to be ready for the start of the season. But, he may never play a game for the Senators again because my sources tell me the team left PEI.....without Mike Condon. Did they leave him behind because of his atrocious play? No. The reason he was left behind is much more sinister than that.
Immediately after the last whistle, Guy Boucher told the team to head straight to the team bus. “But coach, shouldn’t we shower and change? At least get out of our skates?” said Max McCormick.
“I’m sorry Max. Are you the new coach? Oh, you’re not? WELL THEN KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. In fact Max, I’ve booked you an UBER to Wichita, Kansas. Have a good life”, said Guy Boucher
The team marched onto the bus one at a time, full equipment and all. Even their jocks. Willie, the bus driver, yells “OH FOR FUCKS SAKES. THE STINK”
Willie then took off on foot down the highway because he had had enough.
“Where did Willie go?? We need to be back in Ottawa in two hours. Marc Crawford has a LensCrafters appointment”, asked Guy Boucher
“Coach, Willie had a bit of a puke and then said things like ‘fuck off’ ‘i quit’ ‘this bus stinks like pure shit’ and even ‘this is the worst job I’ve ever had, and I hate all your guys guts’. He seem super upset Coach”, said Kyle Turris
“Well who’s gonna drive the goddamn bus then???” asked Boucher
Suddenly, a voice in the dark said, “I will” Guy Boucher didn’t even ask for a license or nothing, he just wanted to make sure Marc Crawford got back in time to be fitted for the new limited edition transition lenses.
The mystery driver started the bus and then Dion Phaneuf said, “Sir? You have to wait. Mike Condon had to pee real bad so he’s on the toilet”
The mystery drive turned around, his face hidden in the shadows. His eyes almost glowed and then he smiled. Dion’s hair on the back of his neck stood on end as the shiny gold teeth of the driver blinded him.
”BUCKLE UP MOTHERFUCKERS, IT’S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE MUAHAHAHAHAHAH” laughed......ERIK CONDRA
”NOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Chris Phillips, as the bus took off like a bat out of hell towards the ocean.
Poor Mike Condon took off running beside the bus screaming, “WAIT FOR ME” with toilet paper still hanging off of him. He tripped into a heap of dust as the bus quickly left his view.
”CURSE YOU GOD” Mike screamed, thinking the team didn’t want him anymore. But the truth was, Erik Condra had commandeered their bus and was driving them straight to Hell.
Back on the bus, The Boyz finished handcuffing the players to their seats, when suddenly one of the Boyz yelled, “ERIK THE RED? WE HAVE A PROBLEM”
He quickly showed Condra his Google Map app, and it said they were headed for a bridge that was incomplete. “We’re gonna have to call her a day boss. Turn around and try again another day” said one of the Boyz
Erik Condra sped up, never taking his eyes off the road.
”WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ERIK?!? screamed Derek Brassard
”I’M SPEEDING UP.....WE’RE GONNA JUMP THE BRIDGE” said Condra
The bus reached the bridge and became airborne. Everyone screamed, everyone except Condra.
“WE’RE DOING IT!! I’M BASICALLY KEEANU REEVES. WE ARE GOING TO.....WAIT......OH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK............”
The recording stopped there.....
To he continued