Training camp opens today. And you know what that means, the dreaded physical testing is first. Players are forced to literally lift, run, jump, and press until they either straight puke or they piss their pants. Listen, if you're in the NHL, you're strong. Every player is strong. But there is a legend that's been passed off as a mere rumour. A rumour that Cory Conacher lifted more weight than Methot and Schwarzenegger could lift COMBINED! I'm hear to tell you that this is not a rumour. It is in fact....fact. I have an inside source and this is how that fateful day went.
Shake down, 2013. Cory Conacher had been traded to the Ottawa Senators the season before. Even though he was on the small side, he didn't know the word quit. But he did know the word Hustle. Unfortunately, he gased out during the playoffs and the Senators didn't win the Stanley Cup. During Conacher's exit interview, he vowed to get stronger. When he entered the office to meet with Bryan Murray, he shook his hand and squeezed as hard as he could, to show strength.
"HEYYY JUST WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?? screamed Murray.
"What's that Bryan? Is your hand crushed? Hahaha and you think that's bad? Wait till next season. I AM GOING TO BE 10x STRONGER" screamed Cory
"And just how in the hell will you accomplish that?" said Murray
"By eating a bunch of steaks you idiot" mentioned Cory
"Okay then. I like your attitude Cory. I like your.....AGHHHHHH" Murray screamed as Cory Conacher lifted him over his head, again in a presentation of strength. The weight of Murray crushed Little Cory Conacher and they both collapsed to the ground, and the table shattered into a million pieces. Murray's secretary screamed and they had to call in an EMT to pull poor Cory from the rubble. He was just to little to support that weight and he was injured bad.
When he was released from the hospital 2 months later, he immediately ate two steaks and then realized it was day 1 of training camp. He said, "HOLY FUCK THE SUMMER GOES BY FAST WHEN YOU'RE IN A COMA"
Conacher was confident that the two steaks made him grow stronger than ever. They were T-Bone steaks you see, the best. He walked into Scotiabank Place and literally took the door off the hinges and threw it to the ground in front of coach Paul MacLean.
"Sorry coach, I didn't mean to do that. You see, I just opened the door calmly and the door came right off the hinges. Look at my arms and how big they are. It's cause of my muscles" said Conacher
Paul MacLean nodded in astonishment and yelled, "JESSE WINCHESTER, GET THE FUCK OFF THE BENCH. I wanna see what Big Cory Conacher can lift. Look at his arms!"
Cory lay on the bench and Andre Benoit began adding weight to the bar, 25lbs at a time.
"More. More. More. More. More. FucK ANDRE, MORE" yelled Conacher
This continued until an ungodly 895lbs was on the bar. "CORY, DON'T DO THIS. LISTEN YOU'RE BIG AND STRONG, BUT JESUS, YOU ARE LITTLE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING??" screamed Guillaume Latendresse.
"SHUT THE HELL UP GUILLAUME. YOU'D SHUT YOUR MOUTH IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOOD FOR YOU GUILLAUME" retorted Cory.
Conacher put both hands on the bar, took a deep breathe, and muttered the words, "by the power of Greyskull". He lifted the bar off the rack and the weight was almost too much to bear. But the power of Greyskull was too powerful, and slowly Cory lifted the bar all the way up. Kaspars Daugavins screamed, "HOLY SHIT"
"I did it!!! I am the strongest man alive!!" yelled Cory Conacher.
"Sir? I'm gonna need you to relax, we will be arriving at the emergency room shortly. You have lost an extreme amount of blood, you're gonna make it, stay with me" said the paramedic.
Cory realized he was in the back of an ambulance and he had no arms. What happened the moment after the bar came off the rack is still a mystery, as all video footage was burned and Kaspars Daugavins was sent home to keep him quiet. Clearly whatever happened was devastating. As Cory no longer had arms.