The 2017-2018 NHL season is upon us, with training camps opening this week. There is optimism in the air in Ottawa, as the Sens are coming off the high of reaching the Eastern Conference Finals last year. But what if the season doesn't start for the Senators? Before you guys call me crazy, insane, asshole, jerk, or even waste of human flesh, hear me out. There are many scenarios that could delay the start of the Sens season, or even cancel it outright. These are those scenarios:
Guy Boucher locks the dressing room and loses the keys
Imagine, Guy Boucher brings in all his gold chains to show off to Marc Crawford, and then he's all like, "JESUS, these are worth a lot eh Marc? I better lock the room so no one comes in a steals them." And then Guy Boucher and Marc Crawford go to a bar and get hamboned and when Boucher goes to leave the bar, he takes a straight header down a flight of stairs and the keys slide into a manhole. "OMG ARE YOU OKAY GUY?", screams Marc Crawford. But Marc knew Guy wouldn't answer because of the amount of blood. When the boys show up for practice, they can't get into the dressing room. "I guess that's it boys. Time to pack her up. Try again next season", says Bobby Ryan. Also, Guy Boucher has sever amnesia and thinks he's still in Tampa and he fires Dwayne Roloson.
Sand Storm 2017 hits Ottawa, Canada
Imagine, the bus pulls up at the CTC on the first day of camp. Thomas Chabot walks off, looks at his surroundings and takes a deep breathe. "It's finally here! The beginning of my illustrious career!", says Chabot. Suddenly, Chris Phillips screams, "JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH!" Over the horizon, a wave of sand is descending on the city of Ottawa. It must have been 100 feet tall. All the players take off running to save their own lives. But it is too late, Zack Smith is sucked into the sand oblivion and then a bunch of locusts attack poor little Cory Conacher. Little Cory Conacher isn't even on the team and he screams, "OH SWEET IRONY OF JUSTICE." The sand hangs over the City of Ottawa for 40 days and 40 nights. And then The Mummy comes. And then Tom Cruise comes to fight the Mummy. And then Zack Smith is found alive in the City of Athens. But he is going by the name of Bruce, and he changed his identity in order to get away from the pressures of NHL hockey. Not only is the season canceled, but the entire city of Ottawa is CANCELED
Erik Karlsson isn't ready to start the season, so they cancel the season
Imagine, Game 1 of the season. The players are dressed in room and Guy Boucher walks in to give his pre-game speech. "Okay guys, number 1 rule: give the puck to Karlsson. If you don't have the puck, get the puck, AND FUCKING GIVE IT TO KARLSSON. And if Karlsson has the puck, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS WAY. THE END" screams Guy. "But coach, Erik Karlsson is still hurt. He's not even here!" says Kyle Turris. Out of nowhere, that crazy loud music from Kill Bill starts blaring, and Guy Boucher grabs Marc Crawford and brings him down through the glass table, Gatorade flying everywhere. The cops have to tear gas the entire room and all the players are traumatized physically, and emotionally. Season is canceled. Guy Boucher arrested. Karlsson still injured.
The boys eat a spoiled batch of Jos Louis
"Hey everyone, as an appreciation for all the hard work you put into camp, here's 2 Jos Louis EACH!! Let's have a great season boys!!", said Pierre Dorion. The room was so silent because everyone was enjoying their delicious sponge cakes. All of a sudden, Pierre Dorion yells, "OH GOD DON'T EAT THOSE! OH MY GOD I GAVE YOU THE WRONG ONES. THOSE ARE THE ONES I FOUND IN FIELDS OF MY UNCLE'S FARM. THOSE ARE.....COW SHITS", screams Dorion. Everyone starts puking and the screams were so loud that it awoke Gary Bettman from his home in New York. He sits up in his bed just sweating. His wife is like, "Gary! You had a bad dream. It's okay go back to sleep." But Gary starts sobbing, "I know something is wrong with the Ottawa Senators I can just feel it. I can feel their pain. They're calling out to me. I have to save them Dorothy", says Gary. He hops onto the next flight to Ottawa and finds out that each single player and coach ate a piece of cow poop mistaking for a delicious Jos Louis. Season canceled