I had the honour and privilege to work out with the entire Senators team. Being the innovative journalist I am, I wanted to get knee deep in the story. I wanted to "experience" the story. And that story is how these incredible athletes get in shape for a gruelling 82 game season. Things did not go as planned, and before there are lawsuits, I want to get my side of the story public.
The morning started out like most mornings. I headed to Hortons and grabbed a 6 pack of crullers because I had to carb up big time in order to have the energy to out bench Erik Karlsson. But I knew the day was in jeopardy when the Hortons lady said, "Sir? You know you aren't allowed in here. I'm gonna have to call the cops." I picked up a chair and threw it at the donut display which shattered the glass while I yelled, "WHY??" I continued on my path to the Sensplex, tired and hungry. When I arrived, Pierre Dorion was standing at the door and he offered me a mimosa. He said, "Welcome bRian. I hope your dreams come true today."
When I entered the gym I said, "HOLY SHIT" And then Mark Stone yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" It turns out, I didn't walk into the gym. I walked into the bathroom while Mark Stone was taking a number 2.
Finally, I found the real gym. It was so amazing that I yelled, "HOLY SHIT" Erik Karlsson comes up to me and extends his hand to and says, "Come with me, if you want to lift." I started laughing because that was a play on The Terminator. But then Bobby Ryan took me aside and said, "How dare you?" I didn't know what I did wrong, but I saw one single tear come down Karlsson's cheek and then Claesson puts a purple robe over Karlsson's shoulders and escorts him out. Bobby Ryan looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Erik thinks he's the Terminator for real. You've insulted him."
I sat in a corner for a bit because I had just made the Captain of the team cry. I certainly didn't feel welcome at that point. I watched the boys working out and I noticed someone doing deadlifts that I didn't recognize. I walked over to him from behind and said, "Excuse me sir?" The man slowly turned around and revealed himself to be.....ERIK CONDRA?!?! He flashes his gold teeth at me and then whistles for the Boyz to come. They pop out of nowhere like mice and surround me. I yell, "CLARKE, DION, MARC CRAWFORD.....HELP ME" But they were gone.
It was a trap all along. I knew that I had been forsaken. Condra pulls out a long metal rod from his pants and says, "Time to pay the piper." Suddenly, there is a loud crash from the sunroof and Erik Karlsson comes down on his trusty bat grapple. He grabs me in his arms and yells, "NOT THIS TIME CONDRA" He pushes a button and we zip up to the roof. He then asks me how much I weigh. So I go, "None of your fucking business actually."
Erik Condra and the boys run outside to try and cut us off. Karlsson looks down on them from the roof and pulls out a miniature hockey stick and says, "Game on" Karlsson pushes a button and the mini stick turns into a full size adult stick. He then starts swinging it wildly in the air like a madman. I didn't know what the hell he was doing until the momentum of the stick actually carried us off and we flew towards the horizon like a helicopter. Condra raises his fist and says, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" And then Pierre Dorion comes out and says, "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" Condra laughs at him and says, "You copied that from Batman the movie (1989). You're an idiot"