I don't know about you guys, but I'm sick of sitting on patios, soaking in the sun, and drinking delicious summer beers. It's got me in a foul mood. So foul, that I called Gary just to tell him how much I hate his guts, even though he saved my life from that unfortunate incident with a Buffalo that had swords attached to his head. Long story, but let's just say many people were badly injured. The only thing that gets me by this summer of HELL is the thought of the Ottawa Senators playing hockey soon. I believe we NEED Sens Hockey to fully live. And we need it NOW. Here's why:
10. Watching Sens hockey gives you an excuse to quit your job. And if your boss says no, well then you have a legal right to electrocute him with faulty wires.
9. Sens hockey means that it is the start of Fall and that means I get to eat as much mini-bars for Halloween as I want. But when I see Crunch bars, I pour just a little bit of Gasoline on Gary's bike, and I light her up. Because it's bullshit
8. I cannot wait to see what Mike Hoffman was up to in the summer and I can't wait to see his body. I mean, like how strong did he get in order to elevate his game. That's what I meant. I don't mean his steel abs that you could cook a fried egg on. If he'd let you. Would you let me Mike?
7. Sens hockey brings you closer to your friends and family. Except Uncle Steve. We don't like him because he refuses to get his knee stitched up. There is an awful smell coming from it and he pretends his knee is a person and he makes it talk because the gaping wound is like a mouth. Also, I have 0 friends and I don't know why?
6. I am so excited because I believe the Senators are talented enough to win the Stanley Cup this year. And by talent, I mean we have Erik Karlsson. The only problem is that what if Erik Karlsson goes blind? What if the NHL cancels the season because of the Olympics? What if Marc Methot can't sell his home in Ottawa? What if Patrick Sieloff? What if someone forgets to flush the toilet and Guy Boucher screams, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IT'S GO TIME" and then he piledrives Pierre Dorion through a glass table and holds Condra hostage?
5. Sens hockey means the world still exists
4. Imagine Ottawa was built over an active volcano? And then Mike Hoffman shoots the puck so hard that the volcano goes off and burns Lebreton Flats to the ground? Melnyk would be PISSED.
3. I'm excited to see if the Sens sent us a smoke show with their jersey reveal and are actually wearing the beautiful heritage jerseys. And if they don't though, I'm gonna start a Go Fund Me to help me buy all of the jerseys, put them in a bus, and force Gary to drive it off a cliff. Don't worry, I'll give Gary a few grocery bags to act as a parachute and hopefully he just snaps his legs in 4 different places.
2. Maybe Marc Methot will be traded back to Ottawa? Please? Omg please?? I'm crying right now. I'm crying and I am calling my mom. "Mom? Hi mom. I'm crying mom. Yeah, because of Marc again. It's just not fair, you know? Tacos? Okay. Thanks mom. I can't wait for tacos tonight. Oh, could we get that cheese dip too? Thanks mom. And get a 2L of RC. What do you mean no? OH FUCK OFF MOM. YOU KNOW SCOTTS COLA IS THE WORST"
1. On opening night, I am stealing SensChirps credit card and buying all my followers a large DQ Blizzard on me!! And if he calls the cops, I will call the cops and I'll also sue him for breach of trust.