My Top 10 Treats to Stay Cool This Summer

We are in the wolf days of summer and hockey news is as prevalent as Crystal Pepsi. If you stay inside and lament about the "what ifs" about the decisions the Senators have made this offseason, you'll become a vegetable. Like a shitty vegetable, like zucchini. Who eats that crap? But speaking of sustenance, one of my favourite things to do in the summer is to try fine treats from all across the planet. In many ways, I am Ottawa's version of Guy Fieri, except my hair is basically a piece of shit compared to Guy's. I have decided to compile my top 10 list of summer treats. 


10. Drumsticks : Not the chicken you idiots. The ice cream! When you open the wrapper, all the little peanut chunks fall to the ground and you feel alive. The only bad part is when Uncle Ralph dies because of a severe peanut allergy 


9. Ketchup Chips : Sure, it doesn't keep you cool, but good lord they are delicious. Have you ever eaten a whole bag and then looked at your fingers? They are literally covered in an inch of ketchup dust. Sometimes as a prank, I go to the bathroom and write REDRUM on the mirror with the ketchup. Then you hear your cousin Charles screams "BURN IT TO THE GROUND" and the house goes up in flames


8. Popsicle Petes : Who can resist the double, extra thick popsicle that gave you Pete points? Remember buddy collected enough to buy a jet?? The only thing though that's hard is seperating the two pieces, and sometimes you press too hard and break the popsicle into little pieces, and you lose your mind and take a baseball bat to the side of Darrell's head


7. Kit Kat Bar : The love of my life basically. When I'm having a hard day, I buy a 12-box and eat two immediately for breakfast. I feel better right away and get on with my day. But when I get back to the car and realize that the rest have melted into a big glob of SHIT, I take a rock and place it on the gas pedal and watch my mini-van go off the cliff and explode on impact


6. Pints of Beer : Normally, this would be number 1 on my list, but I promised my wife that I'd try to cut back on it and not revolve my decisions and basically my entire life around beer. I guess I can understand her viewpoint, as last Tuesday, I got right ripped and passed out in the kiddie pool. Air ambulance came in and saved my life. But apparently I put one of the paramedics in a tight headlock mid-flight. 


5. Pizza Pizza : Just kidding, Pizza Pizza is legit garbage. I wouldn't feed it to Gary! And I pray that he chokes every single day. 


4. Dr. Pepper : I once wrote a commercial for Dr. Pepper. I plugged in my karaoke machine and got electrocuted pretty hardcore. When I came to, the commercial idea came to me like a light bulb hovering over my head. Picture this: Buddy is driving his jeep through a scorching desert. He's sweating profusely and so he reaches for his drink while keeping his eye on the road, but he can't find it. Camera zooms in to an icy cold Dr. Pepper can lying on the floor. It rolls and gets stuck under the brake pedal. Suddenly, buddy looks up and sees a camel crossing the road, so he presses on the breaks. But you guessed it, the breaks don't work. He screams, "I CAN'T STOP". The image goes black and you can hear the horrifying sounds of the jeep being shred to pieces. The camera then shows the jeep on it's crumpled roof. Suddenly, buddy emerges from underneath the wreckage as he crawls out in a bloody mess. He mutters, "Must get". The camera pans into his hand as he reaches and reaches further. Suddenly, the can of Dr. Pepper comes into view, and he cracks it open and takes a huge swig, followed by a satisfied sigh. It then shows buddy ride off into the sunset sitting on top of the camel. "DR. PEPPER, FOR WHEN YOU NEED LIFE SAVING"


3. Ice Cubes : Not to eat, but to place on my naked body as I lay on the deck catching some rays. Neighbor opens the window and yells "FUCK OFFFFFF" 


2. Candy Cane/ Chocolate Crackle ice cream: Sometimes you have zero groceries, but you're hungry as a wild man. So you look in the back of the freezer and find that old Candy Cane ice cream that you bought at Xmas but no one ate it because it actually sucks ass. But you're so desperate that you attempt to eat it anyways, but it's so freezer burnt that the moment it hits your tongue, the spoon sticks to it and you panic and Henry runs in and rips it out and you spit blood like Gene Simmons 


1. Passion Flakies with vanilla ice cream in between two of them : Genuis right? When you take that first bite, the amount of flakes that fall off cause a mini white out and then suddenly you're going down the stairs like a ragdoll. You're conscious the whole time but there is literally nothing you can do to stop the momentum. All you can do is wait till a family member comes home to find your lifeless body.