Good afternoon folks. I've just been handed a story that'll make the skin crawl off your face. We are in the off season and Sens news is few are far between. But what i'm about to tell you will not only be news, but it will change you for the rest of your lives. And not in a good or healthy way. When I read the story, the hair down my back turned white. I can't sleep at night now, and my wife has to feed me my dinner through a tube, not to mention empty my bedpan. Without further a clue, I bring you: The Ottawa Senators Vacation Massacre
It was a stormy July morning. The sun was no where to be found. The rain came down in a way that could drown a blind man. Cody Ceci said to himself, "This weather be damned, we are going to have the best vacation a team can have". A few days earlier, Ceci had called up Mark Stone and said, "Hey, beaches, campfires, smores, you in?" Mark Stone goes, "That's disco" (that means yes).
A day later, Mike Hoffman is on the phone with Ceci, and he's all like, "What's the deal Khaleesi? Can me and the boys join in on the fun?". Before Cody knew it, the whole team was in for the trip. But where can you book a vacation spot for more than 20 people in short notice?? Then it came to him....."CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE!!!". When Ceci called, no one answered. He knew that was strange, but he thought that they may just be sleeping. They'll go regardless, he thought. They ought to be enough room for them all.
The bus pulled up about 20 meters from the gate, and suddenly the bus driver pisses himself and takes off running down the road in which they came. Chris Wideman goes, "I guess he wants to watch the OJ Parole hearing, know what i'm saying?". The team all laughed and high-fived Wideman. The boys entered the Campground. Kyle Turris looks around and screams, "HELLO?" You could hear his voice travel across the lake. "I think we're alone here guys" said Turris. Before anyone else could get a word in, Chris Phillips was butt naked running down the dock. He does a massive cannonball and the rest of the boys followed suit. The vacation was on.
Tunes were rocking, the sun was beating down, and the beers were a flowing. Everyone was having a grand time, everyone except Jean-Gabriel Pageau. He sat under a tree and seemed uneasy. "What's bothering you there Scorpion?" said MacArthur. "I don't know what it is Clarke, but I have a real bad feeling about this place.....wait a second.....where's Dzingel?"
The boys looked around for Ryan, but he was nowhere to be found. They found his clothes and his bag all shredded. Lazar screams out, "OH MY GOD, A BEAR GOT RYAN!". Wait.....why the hell was Lazar there? He didn't get invited. Karlsson grabs Lazar by the throat and says, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO RYAN DZINGEL???". Lazar was screaming, "NOTHING, I SWEAR". Karlsson let him down and said, "Oh....okay great. Let's get back to nude swimming".
That night, they all sat around the campfire telling silly ghost stories. They had seemed to forgotten about the mysterious disappearance of Ryan Dzingel. Hell, he probably won't even be on the team next year. Daniel Alfredsson stands up and says, "I'll go first boys. It was a dark and stormy night, much like it is right now. There was a man named John. John Muckler. He went against all reason and traded......MARIAN HOSSA!". The boys gasped, and Colin White hid under a blanket. Alfie continued, "Not only did John trade our best player, but he traded him for.....DANY HEATLEY". Condra let out a blood curdling scream and took off running into the forest. "Geez, it was just a story", said Alfie. Bobby Ryan stands up and says, "That wasn't funny Alfie. I'm going to bed."
As the boys turned in, there is a first person view of someone staring at them through the windows, breathing heavily, as if he's wearing a mask. The man approaches holding a machete. The last light goes out, and some scary organ music starts playing out loud. Dion Phaneuf stands up and yells, "TURN OFF THAT DAMN MOVIE MUSIC". But then Phaneuf feels someone or some THING tap him on the shoulder. He slowly turns around to reveal........JASON SPEZZA. Spezza starts giggling, "HUHAHEHUUUHAHUA". The lights come on, and Chris Phillips goes, "YOU SCARED THE BEJESUS OUT OF US, WHAT THE HELL?". Suddenly, someone smacks Jason Spezza over the head with a shovel. As Spezza falls unconscious, it is revealed to be Pierre Dorion. "WHAT THE HELL DORION? THAT WAS SPEZZA!" screams Phillips. Dorion looks up, gives a sly smile and whispers, "I know".
Basically guys, they thought it was Jason Vorhees from Friday the 13th. But it wasn't. It was just Jason Spezza giggling. But also, Ryan Dzingel really did get dragged off by a grizzly bear. We hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.