Yesterday, as Pierre Dorion and Guy Boucher held their end of year press conference, there was another press conference happening; in HOLLYWOOD. My source Chad The Researcher was there when the news broke that our very own Marc Methot has been cast in a lead role alongside Sylvester Stallone in next summer's blockbuster movie The Expendables 4. I bring to you, the transcript of that exciting press conference.
The room was full of A-List celebrities and ace journalists. Chad The Researcher showed his credentials and he was immediately given a front row seat. The lights dimmed, and a voice came over the mic: "TIME TO MOW THE LAWN" The sound of machine gun fire then filled the room and then there was a loud explosion. Suddenly, through the smoke, men came down from the ceiling on ropes. They were Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and......MARC METHOT?!?!?!?
Then that godawful sound of rope breaking was heard, and Chuck Norris came down in a heap, breaking the table in half with his body. Everyone got real quiet as EMTS attended to his lifeless body. Once they stretchered him out, the rest of the men took their seats, and the conference began.
Sylvester Stallone: "Before we take any questions, I just want to announce that YES, we are making a 4th Expendables Movie. It's called The Expendables 4; Extra Expendable. It's a double meaning guys. We are even more-so expendable to the government AND we have an EXTRA cast member. THE HOCKEY PLAYER MARC METHOT"
Everyone stands and claps for a good 10 minutes. Marc is humbled as a single tear comes down his face.
Barbara Walters: "Marc! What inticed you to leave the great sport of hockey to become an action icon?"
Methot: "Well Barb, look at me"
Methot then took off his shirt revealing a chisleled body that would make Lou Ferrigno blush. The crowd gasped and then stood up and clapped for another good 10 minutes, all the while Methot was doing push-ups with both Stallone and Schwarzenegger sitting on his back.
Walter Cronkite: "Sylvester, what did you see in Methot that you knew you just had to have him in your movie?"
Sylvester Stallone: "Well Walter, to be honest....I'm a little freaked out right now. Aren't you dead?"
Katie Couric: "Marc, what role will you be playing and what is the plot of the movie?"
Methot: "Hey Katie! Well, my character's name is Tim my Beans. Essentially, I am a coffee been grower that provides the coffee beans to a little restaurant called TIMS HORTONS. Prehaps you've heard of it? Well anyways, Starbucks wants my business instead and then there is a quarrel and then like I lift a ton of weights and we have to kill people"
Stallone: "WHOA WHOA WHOA Marc. You're giving the movie away"
Suddenly, the door swung open. It was Phil Kessel, no shirt on. He grabs a mic and yells, "HEY STALLONE? WHY DIDN'T I GET A CALL BACK??" The crowd then started booing as Kessel began to flex. Then, out of nowhere, Van Damme does the splits and sends a straight punch to the ball sack of Phil Kessel. This started a panic in the room and poor Chad The Researcher was trampled (RIP CHAD). A helicopter then crashed though the roof and picked up Methot and the actors as Phil fell to his knees screaming, "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS STALLONE."
Watch for The Expendables 4; Extra Expendable to hit theatres Summer 2018!!!