The Senators play Game 3 tonight in the Eastern Conference Final at the comfy confines of the CTC. Rumour has it, the building will be rocking. Even me and Gary will be in attendance. But not Chad. He's on life-support at the Almonte Hospital and he's probably gonna be dead by puck drop.
As you all know, the Senators love to put on a show before the game starts in order to get the fans pumped. Who could forget Sens Gladiator? Or the time Jason York was lit on fire and does 3 laps around the ice? Well, I wonder what they have planned for tonight? Wonder no more, I have the itinerary in my hands.
The lights go dark, a bright spot light shines on one lucky person in the crowd. Everyone screams while a giant crane with a large claw attached to the end picks up the crowd member and places him on a floating stage that shoots real lightning bolts out of it (we have employed JJ Clarke to monitor the risks to the crowd, if any). The building goes silent again. What's happening???? The stage slowly gets lowered to ice level. A large explosion takes place on the stage and the crowd gasps in awe at the audacity of it all. When the smoke clears, a figure is revealed. It is Guy Boucher wearing leather pants, no shirt on. He's been sprayed down with a fine mist in order to show the definition in his well-tuned body. He is holding an electric guitar (this also shoots out legit lightning bolts. Please confer with JJ Clarke). The familiar tune of Free Bird begins blaring over the speakers and Guy Boucher plays the fuck out of the guitar, nailing the solo. He then serenades the lucky crowd member with his eclectic voice "LORD KNOWS I CAN'T CHANGE. LORD, HELP ME, I CAN'T CHANGE".
Suddenly, the lights go so bright that the audience has to put on the provided sunglasses in order to protect the long-term health of their eyeballs. A voice speaks to them, as if God himself was talking. "SENS FANS.....UNITE IN RED....GET YOUNG AND HUNGRY....BUY GOLDEN PALACE EGGROLLS. SPECIAL RIGHT NOW, BUY 4 GET THE FIFTH FREE. CHEER ON YOUR TEAM....TO VICTORY. BECAUSE THIS IS SPARTAWWA" (see what we did there Tom Anselmi??). As the light is lifted, standing in the middle of the ice is Morgan Freeman. Everyone cheers. Morgan raises his fist in the air and screams "SILENCE". Morgan starts tugging at his face, and the crowd realizes he's wearing a mask. When it comes off, it is revealed to be Daniel Alfredsson. U2 starts blasting (it's a knock off U2, we couldn't afford to fly the real band over from Ireland).
Queue the iconic Sens Theme song. The crowd is just losing it as the players skate onto the ice. The last person to skate onto the ice is....JASON YORK??!?! THE CROWD CAN'T BELIEVE THEIR EYES! THE KING IS BACK. But wait.....no....a man dressed as an evil Penguin steps onto the ice with a flame thrower, and he lights Jason up. The crowd is sickened by the turn of events. But wait... OH MY GOD THAT'S SENS GLADIATOR'S THEME MUSIC. HE'S BACKKKK. The Gladiator makes short work of the Penguin and raises his sword and it is struck by lightning. He takes his helmet off. MY GOD IT'S JJ CLARKE.
I think I might enjoy this personally. See you tonight!!!