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Bobby Ryan Should Change His Number to 99

May 15, 2017

So basically Bobby Ryan is the best forward in the NHL right now. This means, we have the best forward, the best defenceman, and the best team PERIOD. Bobby Ryan has been so good these playoffs, that I dare to say he may be the equivalent to Wayne Gretzky. Hear me out on this one, he's scored more playoff goals in one season than Gretzky ever has. Gretzky used wooden sticks, like an idiot, and Bobby Ryan uses composite sticks, meaning he has more money than Wayne Gretzky. Money makes you a better person, the more you have, the better you are. Bobby Ryan has a lot of money. Way more than hobos have for sure.

What is the secret to Bobby's recent success? Some will say the coach has gotten through to him and has gotten Bobby to play to his abilities. But that's not true at all. Chad came to me this morning with a photograph he obtained illegally. And what I saw was damning. It was a picture of a bottle of Pert Plus. It all made sense to me. Pert Plus not only controls your dandruff, but it is also a 2-1 shampoo AND conditioner. Amazing. No wonder Bobby is playing carefree. HIS HAIR IS THE BEST. But bRian? Isn't Pert Plus illegal in Canada?? Why yes it is. So, how did Bobby Ryan come in possession of such contraband?

Bobby Ryan lifted the bottle of Pert Plus from a locked cabinet inside Guy Boucher's house during the season ending party. Bobby and Claesson decided to do some snooping around inside Guy's mansion in Vanier while the rest of the team was by the pool. They unlocked Guy's private bathroom and started going through his things. "Bob, we shouldn't be in here, this is private" said Claesson. "Don't be a wuss Fred, I'm just trying to find some sunscreen" Ryan shot back. Bobby opened the medicine cabinet and yelled, "WHOA, CHECK IT OUT FRED" and he pulls out a Swedish Penis Enhancer Pump. "What in the hell is that?!?" asked Claesson. "I think it's a bike pump?? Weird. NEXT." Ryan says and throws the pump over his head.

Ryan then notices a false wall. He pushes on it and the wall spins around to reveal a secret cabinet. Ryan's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and he goes, "JACKPOT." Ryan pulls out the crowbar he had hidden in his pants and starts wailing on the locked cabinet. "BOBBY NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" screamed Claesson. The cabinet door falls off and both Ryan and Claesson are blinded by a overpowering light that shined out from it. Finally, the bottle of Pert Plus is revealed. As well as a bottle of Just For Men.

Bobby couldn't believe his eyes. He grabs the bottle of Pert and places it in his satchel. Suddenly, the house starts to violently shake and out of no where comes a giant boulder rolling towards the two. "RUN FOR YOUR FACKING LIFE" screams Claesson. The boys jump through the 2-story window and land in the pool. The remaining players stand up in attention and when they see the boulder coming right at them, they jump out of the way. The only one left in the boulders path, was Bryan Murray. He had sunglasses on and was listening to his Walkman, thus did not heed the warning. He was thrown a good 45 feet into the air and landed on the neighbors roof where he then rag-dolled over the side.

Chad? I saw Bryan Murray on TV. Not a scratch on him. This can't be real? Chad? OMG CHAD ISN'T BREATHING

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DISCLAIMER: All stories and posts are complete fiction and in no way represent the Ottawa Senators or real life person. All stories are made up and ridiculous