Here we are folks, the Eastern Conference Final: The Pesky Ottawa Senators versus The Lottery Winning Pittsburgh Penguins. No one is giving Ottawa a chance in this series and I mean NO ONE. Not even the Queen of Britain 🇬🇧. And yes, they asked her, and she said, "HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY BEDROOM????" Well, last night, Ottawa came out flying and took game 1 in convincing fashion. But I'm not convinced people believe yet. But I believe. I believe in Ottawa. I believe in Bobby Ryan. I believe in destiny. And I believe the Ottawa Senators can beat the Penguins using my simple tips.
Score more goals than the Pittsburgh Penguins
I feel goal scoring is an overlooked stat amongst the experts. But in reality, if Ottawa scores more goals per game, then they should win the game. If I'm Guy Boucher, I'd say to the players "Score goals on their net, and not allow goals on our net". Mark Borowiecki stands up and yells, "YOU'RE ASKING THE IMPOSSIBLE COACH." Guy Boucher gently puts his hands around Boro's throat and says, "They brought me in to achieve the impossible." And then he chokes Borowiecki unconscious.
Stay out of the penalty box
Powerplays play a huge role on who wins the hockey games. Pittsburgh has a few guys that are deadly on the PP so Ottawa would be well advised to not take penalties. Easier said than done. In the heat of the moment, it's so tempting to take your hockey stick and use it as a weapon. Just ask Sidney Crosby. So how do we avoid these penalties? We use reverse psychology on the refs. Zack Smith should run Fleury and then say to the ref "I want you to call that, in fact, I should get a 5 minute major and a game misconduct." The referee will get so confused that he calls a penalty on Fleury, who's bleeding from the eyes and mouth.
Eat healthy meals before the games
The thing that guarantees that the body is going good for the game is nutrition. That's what the health nuts will tell you, but they're a bunch of hippies. If you down a 2L bottle of RC Cola and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos before the game, two things will happen: you will have more energy than the Penguins and......you will have mad stomach pains that will end with you unloading in your pants. This is a necessary evil in my opinion. This is why toilet paper was invented. That guy must be so rich. He was probably all like "What if instead of wiping my bum with 3-hole lined paper that is stiff and doesn't absorb worth a damn, I invent a paper that is soft and absorbing. Oh, and I can advertise it by showing a bear wiping his arse on a tree." That's how it happened.
Don't put Sidney Crosby on a pedestal
Crosby is widely considered to be the best hockey player in the game today, if not EVER. That could be intimidating for his opponents and before you know it, he's in your heads before the game even starts. It's kinda like a regular cop walks into the precinct and realizes Robocop also works at this precinct. A call comes over the radio "There's a knife fight going down in Detroit, send help". Who do you think the sergeant is gonna send? The fat human cop who slows down when he's hungry? Or the metal robot that can use computer technology to target buddy with a knife and not cause collateral damage? What does this analogy have to do with Sidney Crosby?? I forget....
Have some Fun
The players are under a lot of pressure these days. Their hectic lives sometimes makes them forget to have fun. Like, they are paid millions of dollars and get free stuff everywhere they go, and they get to go to the best parties and go on the best vacations and own mansions and luxury cars and get to hang out with famous people and don't have to live pay check to pay check and don't have to stress about debt and get summers off without having to work and are in complete physical and mental shape and can go to water parks whenever they want. But sometimes, they need to step back and remember to try to have a little fun out there. When they do this, they play loose, and this will help them overcome the Pittsburgh Penguins and advance to the Stanley Cup finals!!!