Tonight, the Ottawa Senators have a chance to clinch a playoff spot and all they need is 1 point to do it with 3 games left. I feel lately there has been a bit of a dark cloud hanging over the team and the fan base. So today, I'm going to sprinkle some good karma dust to help push the team along. In fact, with the Power of Positivity, I believe I can send good positive vibes to each individual player. I believe in that stuff. But I can't believe it's not butter. Even though, clearly, it's margarine?
Erik Karlsson: may your heel....heal, and then you get super fire strength and you actually become a super hero in real life. Like I mean you patrol Rideau Street and finally clean up that filthy McDonalds.
Craig Anderson: may everytime you let in a bad goal, you fart out a rainbow and you feel good about yourself
Chris Neil: may all you get for Christmas is your two front teeth. LOL just kidding. let's just hope you get to play a game again in your life
Kyle Turris: may you wake up and find a full box of Oh Henry's on your front lawn (like a box of 24) and you have a bar for each playoff win
Colin White: may you score your first NHL goal and may you not get seriously injured making your decision to leave college STUPID
Dion Phaneuf: may you lead the Sens to a playoff victory over your former team the Maple Leafs and the Toronto media start crying and you start laughing at their faces and Steve Simmons screams "NO FAIR" and then you say "YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR ME" and then there is a huge media brawl everyone just screaming
Mark Stone: may you turn the tables on your enemies and microfracture their faces and legs using your bare hands
Mike Hoffman: may you score 10 goals in 3 games and win the Art Ross trophy... just kidding that's impossible but maybe you could steal the trophy and sell it for money, I would.
Alex Burrows: may instead of you biting someone's finger off, you bite into a delicious piece of Little Caesars Deep Dish Stuffed Crust Pizza and you say "HOLY FUCK - THAT'S GOOD"
Bobby Ryan: ?
Derrick Brassard: may you finally get on a scoring streak and you send a letter to Zibanejad with a picture of you and Erik Karlsson being best friends at a pool party and one tear streams down Zibanejad's face
Chris Kelly: may you get the fuck off the team
Jean Gabriel Pageau: may you score a hat trick against the Montreal Canadiens in the Eastern Final and then show Carey Price your bill clip full of 100's and say "Can I buy you a tissue? HAHAHA" and then threaten to sue him for no reason at all
Cody Ceci: may your confidence grow and you blossom into the player we know you can be but please stop taking topless photos of yourself on the beach ... just kidding keep doing it
You see? That's all it takes. Send out good vibes by writing them down. Don't we all feel good now? You know what? Just as a little bit of insurance, I'm gonna place a good luck spell on the team. I've been dabbling in that stuff. Let me see here:
Wait a Fuck...WRONG SPELL....OMG NO WHAT HAVE I DONE????? ERIK KARLSSON LOOK OUTTTTTT