Last night, in probably the most important game of the season, the Senators scratched their best player Ryan Dzingel. Does this get anybody else curious? Was he hurt? No. Was he in the doghouse? No. So what happened? Well guesss what? I have the inside story.
It all started on a sunny afternoon (yesterday technically). The players started to arrive to the Jos Louis arena to prepare for their game against the Red Wings. As usual, Guy Boucher went over a few notes and strategies with the team, but two people seemed to be missing. On the opposite side of the arena, Ryan Dzingel was giving newcomer Ben Harpur a tour. "You see Ben, this arena was built during the great Civil War, and it is literally being held up by some sticks and glue" said Ryan. "That's nice Ryan, but shouldn't we be getting back to the dressing room? Coach might be wondering where we are?" muttered Ben. Dzingel gives a sly grin as he lights up a smoke and says "Oh live a little won't you?"
And then the vending machine came into view. "Hey Ben, howbout a pre-game bar and cola?" said Ryan. "No way Ryan, you know it's against team policy to have bars before a game. You're gonna get me in trouble" welped Ben. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE SUCH A BABY BEN HARPUR" laughed Dzingel
As Ryan Dzingel put in a twoonie, of course nothing came out as this is America. "WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Ryan. He started to shake the machine and kicked it until the Coffee Crisp started to hang over the side. Dzingel then reached his hand up the opening in an attempt to reach it. "Almost there" he said. And thats when Ben Harpur heard it. The machine started to dispense. Ryan immediately knew he was in trouble the moment the machine took his arm from the elbow down. "I'M HURT, BEN DO SOMETHING!?!" Ryan screamed. All Ben Harpur could do was yell "THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD" and then he passed out.
Onlookers were puking their guts out and Ryan turned a pale grey, "You're gonna have to cut me out....you're gonna have to cut me out. Call mom....OH MY FACKKKKKK"
Guy Boucher came running but the EMT's stopped him and all he could scream was "NO NO NO NOT MY RYAN. WHYYYYYYYYY?"
And then everyone was ushered out of the bowels of the arena so no one knows what happened next. There has been no sighting of Dzingel since. The only vehicle that entered the building was carrying this.....