Does it seem a little strange that Chris Kelly has gotten the nod to start on the 4th line tonight over guys like Chris Neil, Tommy Wingles, and Colin White? It does, doesn't it? I mean, Chris Kelly has 0 goals this year and has anchored one of the worst penalty kills in the league. Something about the whole thing seems fishy....luckily, I had my hidden tape recorder in the room and I learned the TRUTH.
It all started yesterday morning when coach Boucher called the players in for a surprise practice even though he promised them the day off. When the players hit the ice, there were two noticeable absences: Tommy Wingles, and Guy Boucher himself. "Where's Guy?" asked Chris Neil. "None of your fucking business actually" quipped Marc Crawford. "Just do the drills and keep your mouths shut".
So the team went about their business, but something didn't sit right with Chris Kelly. He skated over to Pageau and said "Jean, I need you to distract Marc Crawford for a few minutes. I badly need to go to the washroom. Number 2" said Kelly. "But Chris, that would be your third one of the morning, you feeling okay?" asked Pageau. "JUST DO IT OKAY?" yelled Kelly. So Pageau skated to Center ice and yelled "COACH" and then he dropped his pants, bare balls and everything showing. This gathered a crowd, so Kelly snuck off to the dressing room to inquire the whereabouts of coach Boucher.
As Kelly entered the dressing room, he was surprised to see both Guy Boucher and Tommy Wingles going through Kyle Turris's locker. "What are you guys doing? asked Kelly. Wingles was so surprised that he let out a loud scream and charged at Kelly. "WHAT THE FUCK?" yelled Kelly. He was able to take down Wingles and placed him in a cobra lock. Thank god he took those jujitsu lessons from Zdeno Chara back in the day. As Kelly looked up at Guy Boucher, he noticed that he was holding an iPad and Turris's Visa. "What's going on here???" asked a puzzled Kelly. A flustered Boucher tried to find his words, and then mumbled "just buying something for Kyle. That's all. Nothing weird going on here". A defeated Tommy Wingles goes "Just tell him the truth coach". Guy Boucher says "I swear, Kyle asked me to do this.....agghh". Kelly demanded to be shown the iPad. He was on Amazon ordering "Dolly Parton Sings the Hits".
Guy Boucher was so embarrassed that he pleaded with Kelly that he'd do ANYTHING if he didn't tell the rest of the team. "I'm disappointed in you coach. And who's clothes are you wearing??? Those are Ryan Dzingel's pants!! And Victor Stalbergs cologne!! YOU'RE A THIEF. Who's underwears are those?? Mesh underwears. This is fucked" exclaimed Kelly!
And then Boucher yells "WHAT'S THAT?" and then throws down a smoke bomb like Batman to disappear. When the smoke clears, Guy Boucher was lying on the flooring unconscious. This is where the tape ends. But Kelly is IN the lineup. You can put 2 and 3 together.