What an emotional day Saturday was. First, Clarke MacArthur scored for the first time in 4 years, and then Craig Anderson screwed the universe. But Ottawa pushed back and Karlsson did Karlsson and we had a tie game. We were going to overtime and my Granny was in jail for assault (that's neither here nor there). And then Dion Phaneuf saved the day with a slap shot goal heard around the world. He was a hero as the team lifted him onto their shoulders. But what the camera didn't show you was that Dion's gigantic body was just too much to handle for Ryan Dzingel and when Marc Methot was forced to let go due to severe finger bleeding, Dion's body came crashing down ontop of Dzingel, knocking him unconscious and shattered his hip in 3 different places.
Dion Phaneuf was devastated. He couldn't sleep one wink on the flight to Boston, as the incident played over and over again in his brain. It got really awkward when Mark Stone's iPod was too loud and the song from Rocky 4 was playing. The part where Rocky was driving to clear his head and thought about the life of the now dead Apollo Creed. Dion kept picturing an innocent Ryan Dzingel and all the good times they had. And then it came to a head when Dion screamed "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY?? THERE'S NO EASY WAY OUT NO EASY NO EASY NO EASY WAY OUT!" The Senators were forced to land the plane and make Dion hitchhike the rest of the way to Boston. And that's when the adventure began.....
Dion was on highway 7 with nothing on him but the clothes on his body (including mesh underwear). He stuck his thumb out to the first car he saw and up pulls a massive Hummer. "Get in" said the voice....Dion knew right away who it was. It was Ray Emery. Dion couldn't believe it!!! "Where you headed buddy?? Shouldn't you be in Boston?" said Emery. "I got kicked off the plane because I screamed lyrics from the Rocky 4 song because I crushed Ryan Dzingel's body" explained Dion. Ray Emery laughed and said "THAT SUCKS BUDDY! Don't worry, I'll get you there in record time!"
Ray Emery started tailing this old man going the speed limit. "GET THE FLYING FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" screamed Emery. "Take it easy Ray...he's just an old man. You're scaring him" pleaded Dion. "NAH FUCK THAT, HE HAS OFFENDED ME AND MY HONOUR" screamed Ray. Emery then pulled in front of the old man's car and then dragged the old man out and just put the boots to him. Dion got spooked and took off running into the forest. He wandered around for awhile and quickly realized he was lost. As the rain began to pour, Dion knew he had to find shelter. He came across a cave and lit a small fire to keep warm. He tried to fall asleep but the voice of Ryan Dzingel kept saying "Why Dion why? I was so young". The next morning, a haggard looking Phaneuf wandered into a little town called Portland. The Chief of Police pulled up and offered him a lift. "Where are you headed" asked the Chief. A stone cold Dion muttered "Boston". The Chief told him to get in and he'd get him in the right direction. All of a sudden Dion asks "Hey, is there anywhere I can get something to eat around here?" The Chief responds "There is a diner about 4 miles into the next village". "Why can't I eat here?" asks Dion. The Chief explains "Because we don't like your type around here. Hockey players, drifters, vagrants. This is a quiet town. A peaceful town. We don't want any trouble". The cop drops Dion off across the bridge and says farewell. But in his rear view mirror, he sees Dion turn around and walk back over the bridge. So he arrests him and beats him and the other cops beat him and stuff and then Dion has violent flash backs of crushing Ryan Dzingel's body and he screams "NOOOOOOOOOO" and takes off on a motorcycle into the woods. "YOU DREW FIRST BLOOD NOT ME" screams Dion Phaneuf.
Wait a sec.....this sounds so familiar. Thank god Chad the Researcher is the best in the business and only gives me the straight facts. This is an ongoing situation with Dion so stay tuned!