Dear Mr. Boucher,
Hi, my name is bRian I mean Ben. I love you and the Senators, but not when you lose to the Montreal Canadiens. Me and my Granny have been following the team since the beginning, 1983. We've been through a lot together while watching the games, including a few injuries and even a few arrests. Like the time my Granny lit my neighbours deck on fire (never proven in court).
Anyways, this weekend coming is my Granny's 85th birthday and she's being released from the Royal Ottawa to celebrate. Is there any way maybe you and even a player or two can show up and surprise her? She'd be thrilled! Especially if you brought liquor and dinner. Not St. Hubert's though. She'll have none of that. Chalet, only the Chalet will do, because she'd go off the deep end if it wasn't.
Just a quick stipulation: you have to pretend that you're Rick Bowness. She thinks Rick still coaches the team. I fear there would be an "incident" if she was told otherwise. Also, make sure you don't look her directly in the eyes when she's watching All My Children. I frigging mean it Guy. When buddy from Rogers came to disconnect the cable because she split the line, she put him in a cobra lock until the police finally had to taze her.
Don't make any loud, weird, or sudden noises around her, or she may cut you. And you can bring any player with you, except Jean Gabriel Pageau. SHE DOESN'T TRUST HIM AS FAR AS SHE COULD THROW HIM.
One more thing; don't blink more than 225 times during your visit. Trust me. You hit 226 and you'll regret the consequence. She keeps count, don't think she won't know. I have about 8 scars to prove it.
So that's about it. We hope you get this letter and it's not submitted as evidence like last time. Please strongly consider coming, there's going to be cake and everything. Oh, that reminds me, can you pick up a cake?
Ben and Granny. But don't call her Granny. Don't even acknowledge her. Actually, keep a good 50 feet away from her. I'm serious.