In case you missed it last night, Marc Methot had part of his hand chopped directly off from a slash by Sidney Crosby. They showed it dangling live on TV and there was so much blood that my dog Whiskers starting howling "HOOOWWWOOOOOOO". Everyone was screaming "GET DOWN WHISKERS GET DOWN". And then Whiskers took Granny by the leg and dragged her to the basement, but that's neither here nor there or anywhere really. What they didn't show you live on TV was what happened to Methot when he went into the hall. Well, I'm here to tell you.
*WARNING, BLOOD, VIOLENCE, DRUGS, SEX, AND ROCK AND ROLL MAY APPEAR. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. STOP READING HERE IF YOU HAVE LOW BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS OR ARE OVER THE AGE OF 105*
The real story starts when Methot gets into the hallway with his finger dragging on the ground. They prop him up on the team's hospital bed and the first words out of the medic's mouth is " holy FACK... I mean, *ahem* it's fine, it's fine..." meanwhile the look on Methot's face is of pure and utter panic and he turns a lovely shade of white. "Am I going to be ok? Am I gonna live, coach?? Coach??" Boucher is just puking in the trash can beside him.
The Medic takes Methots hand right up to his face and squints his eyes, "uhm, I'm afraid we're gonna have to amputate at the elbow..." Then what happened is Marc kinda went into shock. He needed his elbow and there was no way anyone was taking that away from him. So out of pure animal instincts, Marc took off running into the forest. The authorities followed the trail of blood and bits of bone into the cold, dark, dank of a forest.
"MARC?? IT'S ME. CHRIS PHILLIPS. JUST COME BACK TO THE SOUND OF MY VOICE. YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION". As Phillips waited, he realized he was now alone. Something was moving in the bush. Phillips seized with pure fear. "Marc?", he whispered. But what came up rising over the bush was not Marc Methot. Not at all. It was a legit Grizzly Bear. "HOLY FACK" Phillips screamed. And then there was a fight.
Anyways, I'm glad the Ottawa Senators won. That was a huge 2 points and now we actually have some breathing room in the standings. What's that? Oh, what happened with Marc Methot and Chris Phillips and Whiskers the Dog?? Well......Chad? You got anything here? Anything at all? CHAD? CHAD? OMG. CHAD WAKE UP. CHAAAAAAAAD