Sometimes we are watching the game and we're all like "This is boring let's start a small fire in the garage". It doesn't have to be this way. I have compiled a list of 10 ways to make viewing the games better. For you, for me, for Ottawa.
10. Put a whole container of peanut butter inside your mouth (not the jar idiot) and then when it gets stuck to the top of your mouth, try yelling "One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater" and watch everyone have a laugh. But they don't laugh when you choke to death.
9. Always have the movie Titanic on in the background to put the silly game of hockey in perspective. HE COULD HAVE FIT ON THE FUCKING DOOR.
8. Drink pure gin and then for fun sucker punch your cousin Gary and steal his wallet.
7. Every time Lazar scores a goal, go on your roof and scream "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIEND". But not in the winter. One time I slid head first into the concrete sidewalk and split the nuts off the side of my face.
6. Don't watch it
5. Become real friends with the players. Like show up at Crazy Horse and hang with the crew. I'm all like "Hey Zack Smith WASSSSUP. But then sometimes the bars will call the cops and they might taze you.
4. Practice dirty dancing in the mirror
3. Pretend that Hoffman is Wayne Gretzky and then pretend Turris is Lemieux and pretend that your Granny is not a mean spirited drunk who chose the liquor over her OWN GODDAMN FAMILY
2. When the other team scores. Just say "That is life. I won't get mad because hockey is just a game". But then take your anger out by ripping the TV from the wall and gently place it through the neighbours car windshield
1. Win the lottery and fuck off somewhere to Mexico. PEACE