After a 20th consecutive loss last night, the Ottawa Senators are officially eliminated from the playoffs. All Sens fans are currently losing their minds, because there are no bright spots ahead for us. Let’s think about this:
• Eugene Melnyk cancels the team
• Trade heart and soul player Kyle Turris
• Don’t adopt Heritage Jerseys
That is how the year has gone so far. And what’s next? Is Eugene gonna call out Mother Theresa?
But bRian? How will the Senators get out of this funk? Good question Nancy! It starts at one simple place: Guy Boucher and The System. It doesn’t work. Simple as that. It is clearly broken and it can’t be fixed. And what do you do with something that is broken? You try to sell it to some idiot who still thinks it works. You see, The System was designed for cats and dogs. The cats would try to steal the dogs dinners. So the dogs would place one dog up front, and then 3 dogs in the middle with one dog staying back. That way, no cats can get through to the delicious kibble and bits. But guess what? Cats are tricky and nimble. And they can climb things. And they found a way around the dogs. And they GET that Kibbles and Bits.
What am I trying to say here? Good question Nancy! I am trying to say that the dogs need to attack the cats before the cats even think of stealing the Kibbles and the Bits. And when they do that, they SCORE SOME GODDAMN GOALS. YOU NEED TO PLAY OFFENSE TO WIN AT HOCKEY YOU GUYS. OTTAWA HAS THE ABILITY TO PLAY THIS WAY. WE HAVE SKILL, WE HAVE SPEED. WASN’T GUY BOUCHER BROUGHT IN TO MAKE THE SENATORS HARDER TO PLAY AGAINST?? OKAY, IF THAT’S THE CASE, THEN IT’S A FAILURE BEYOND COMPREHENSION. IT’S TIME TO GO GUY. IT DIDN’T WORK IN TAMPA, IT DOESN’T WORK IN OTTAWA, AND IT SURE AS FACK WON’T WORK IN TOLEDO.
If Guy Boucher were to get fired, who would coach the team?? Well I don’t know, I’m just a citizen of Ottawa, Canada. But I do know that whatever is happening right now isn’t right. I don’t deserve this. Sens fans don’t deserve this. Not even Gary deserves this. Actually Gary deserves NOTHING.
Christmas just passed, and New Years is literately this weekend. That gives me a sense of renewal. Renewal as in I get new underwears, I change my diet, I even change my attitude. The Sens need a renewal. They have stagnated and something needs to change. So guess what I did? I wished for a Christmas Miracle:
• Erik Karlsson wakes up and says “I’m not listening to Guy Boucher no more, I am going to score goals
• Kyle Turris comes back to Ottawa and arm wrestles Eugene Melnyk for ownership of the team, and Kyle puts him right through the glass table for the victory
• Matt Duchene does something
• Bobby Ryan gets metal hands and then scores 50 goals
• The doctor finds a cure for my insufferable IBS
WAIT.....Chad? How the hell did that wish get on here? That was personal. I don’t want all of Canada to know I have gas issues. Chad?? CHAD? OMG CHAD ISN’T BREATHING