Dear Guy Boucher,
May you lead this team to glorious victory. May the fruits of your success finally put a smile on your face. Too be honest, you’re scary looking. You always look like you’re going to choke a man. And that intimidates me. I trust you leading the Senators to the glory land, but I wouldn’t sleep in the same building as you. I couldn’t trust you. You look like you are about to snap mentally and then literally snap a man’s body in half. Just smile more please. And don’t ever come near me or my family.
Dear Marc Crawford,
I hope that when Bobby Ryan scores the double overtime goal in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, they pan on your face, and your transition glasses slowly turn from black to clear, revealing one single tear. You worked hard for this and everyone respects you. But do you have hair plugs? Seriously, your hair is immaculate yet, unnatural.
Dear Erik Karlsson,
I hope that you get used to the artificial ligament in your ankle. But I hope to God the government didn’t put a spy chip inside of of. Because your privacy is of the upmost importance and no one should be snooping around your private life, and like, let’s say you want to take a vacation to Mars. You go and like some crazy shit happens. Are you really on Mars? Or is it all a dream? And then they track you down with that tracker in your ankle, and then you fall outside into the atmosphere and your head explodes.
Dear Mark Stone,
I hope this season you intercept so many pucks that they start calling you Dr. Steal. But imagine you accidentally intercepted like a briefcase full of drugs? And then the mob came after you. And they show up to the rink to intimidate you. And then you’re like, “Leave me alone” and then they are like, “We want our drugs back” and Stone is like, “Oh those are yours?” and the mob is like, “yeah” and Stone is like, “Well, I kinda lost your drugs” and the mob is like, “Oh, no problem Mark. We’ll just take your thumbs instead” and Mark takes off running but then right before the mob catches him, Erik Condra and the Boyz parachute down and dispatch the mob using hockey sticks but with blades on them.
Dear Mike Hoffman,
May you grow your hair out so long that we all start calling you Jesus, but just for fun. But then when you start weaving your magic on the ice, some people start believing you are Jesus. And then CNN comes to Ottawa to run a story on Jesus (you) and like you start saving peoples lives, by scoring beautiful one-timers. And everything is going so well until one of your slapshots explodes a goalies private area on contact and he screams and everyone screams and then there is a riot and you have to live on a mountain because the cops are after you.
Dear Craig Anderson,
Congratulations on your new contract. But please don’t drive race cars. Please don’t Craig. They scare me. No man should drive that fast. One time, my Granny was so drunk, and decided to go for a bike ride, and she went down a hill and she started going too fast and she started burping because she was nervous, and then she hit the back of a parked car and was thrown 50 feet and rag-dolled down into a ditch. That was the 4th time she shattered her hip.
Dear Chris Neil,
Please come back. Please? I’ll be your best friend. You are Mr. Senator. It’s not right that you’re not playing. Please come back. Pierre Dorion, if you’re reading this, I’ll give you $25 to take Chris Neil back. That’s all the money I have but please bring him back. Like, I do have other money, but it’s tied up in investments. The worst decision of my life was putting $200,000.00 into Jos Louis stock. Then people started choking. And the stock went DOWN. So, I’ll give you 10,000 shares of Jos Louis stock if you sign Neil. Like, it’s gonna rebound. They just need to add like oil to their recipe. Way too dry right now.
Dear Bobby Ryan,
May you return to Twitter, and then we become best friends. And then we start hanging out. And then I gain your trust. And when you least suspect it, I steal your OLED TV. I want an OLED TV so bad but I could never afford one. You know, with all my funds locked in Jos Louis stock. Maybe it’s wrong to betray your trust, and yes, I may even go to prison. But that picture is just unreal. 4K HDR, local dimming, the picture just POPS.
Please feel free to add to this letter. It’s important to write down your thoughts. It makes you feel connected, wanted, respected, and even famous, like me. But don’t write things like “bRian is an idiot” or “Gary is smarter than bRian” or “bRian needs professional help and we don’t like him.” But you can write things like “Gary is an idiot” or bRian is way smarter than Gary” or “Gary needs professional help and we hate him”