Finally, my favourite season starts tonight! I’m not talking about Fall, I’m talking about NHL Hockey. To be honest, Fall is the worst because of my ungodly fear of the colour orange. Why am I afraid of the colour orange? It hurts me to speak of. But I will anyways. When me and my brother were just kids, our Granny told us to “SHUT THE HELL UP” and then downed a forty of vodka and orange juice. She then got on the roof and started dancing to Better Middler. I remember her giving us the finger and then all I remember is seeing her legs in the air and her body disappearing out of view. She had come crashing down in a sickening thud and was severally injured. When she came to, she told the paramedic to “EAT SHIT” and then proceeded to piss herself. Since that day, I cannot stand orange juice and the mere sight of the colour sends my heart racing. But the weather in the fall is nice.
What does hockey mean to me? It means everything, and nothing. What a weird paradox? The moment the Senators are winning, i’m on top of the world screaming my heart out. I scream, “GO SENS GO” and “WE WANT CUP” and even “HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME NAKED. HEY SENSCHIRP, I’M NAKED. LOOK SENSCHIRP.....LOOK.”
But when the Ottawa Senators are losing, I break many things in my house and also my neighbor’s house. He doesn’t deserve that but guess what? I don’t give a shit. I’m taking his TV off the wall and bringing it down over his head. Plus I light a fire. I scream things like, “EUGENE MELNYK YOU DID THIS” and “WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME?” and even “MARC METHOT LEAVING HAS CHANGED ME AND THE CITY OF OTTAWA FOREVER. I DENOUNCE THE GAME OF HOCKEY AND I AM LEAVING THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY AND I AM NEVER COMING BACK TO THE CITY OF OTTAWA. THEY BETTER GODDAMN HAVE WILD WING WHEREVER I’M GOING. I WILL MISS THAT THE MOST. AND I WILL ALSO MISS MY FAMILY. BUT THE HANDLING OF MARC METHOT WAS THE LAST STRAW. YOU KNOW WHAT? OTTAWA WINTERS SUCK SHIT!! I’M GOING SOMEWHERE WHERE IT’S WARM YEAR ROUND. WHO LIKES COLD AND SNOW ANYWAYS?? NO-ONE. NO-ONE IS THE ANSWER. WELL MAYBE SNOWBOARDERS. AND SKIIERS. BUT THAT’S IT. WINTER IS BULLSHIT. MAYBE PEOPLE IN THE WINTER OLYMPICS LOVE WINTER. BUT FOR ME PERSONALLY, I HATE IT TO DEATH. HOCKEY IS DEAD TO ME. AND SO IS DAIRY QUEEN. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE BROWNIES FOR THE GODDAMN ROYAL BROWNIE BLIZZARD?? THAT’S THE MAIN INGREDIENT!! IT’S BULLSHIT.”
And that’s just when the Senators lose 1 game in October! How can something make you so happy and so mad? That’s the beauty of hockey. It brings out your emotions. And guess what? Holding in your emotions is not a good thing. I remember one day, my Uncle Ronnie was driving his car with his good friend Bernie. Bernie kept changing the radio station, even though Ronnie ONLY listened to TSN1200. Ronnie held his tongue, but after 6 hours of driving listening to Kool FM, the rage exploded. He took out his brass knuckles and put the boots to Bernie. Bernie jumped from the car in order to escape the vicious beating, but unfortunately, he jumped directly in front of a full grown, and hungry Grizzly Bear. That bear snapped Bernie’s body in half. The moral of the story is, wear your emotions on your sleeve. Don’t hold it in. Enjoy your life freely. Enjoy the great game of hockey. Denounce winter. And one last thing......GO SENS GO
P.S Bernie and my Granny survived their devastating injuries. But my Granny is still on the vodka and is still rude to people. Ironically, Uncle Ronnie was sued by a man named Bear, for breach of contract.