In the spirit of Halloween, and in the spirit of Ottawa Senators hockey, and in the spirit of getting so drunk that you ask your wife if she knows where you live while you are standing inside your own bedroom, I’ve decided to put together a list of what famous Halloween monster the Ottawa Senators players would be. If they were monsters I mean. But they’re not monsters. Sure, they may have their issues, but they’re human aren’t they? We all have our own personal demons am I right? Like, I love taking empty beer bottles and smashing them over the head of Gary while he’s sleeping.
Erik Karlsson is.....JIGSAW
They both have long hair and scary voices. Both love to play games: Karlsson loves hockey, and Jigsaw loves setting fun traps where people have to saw through their own arm or blow up their bodies etc. He’s actually a sick individual, both literally and figuratively. And Karlsson is the missing piece to the Sens Stanley Cup puzzle. OH SHIT DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Kyle Turris is....LEPRECHAUN
They are both Irish.....that’s all I got. OH WAIT. They both love Jennifer Aniston because she was wicked good in Friends. I mean, talk about an underrated show. Joey? HILLARIOUS
Mark Stone is......WOLFMAN
Mark Stone’s hairy, legit hairy. His hair is out of control basically. If he used Pert Plus, I would change my answer to Cousin It from Adam’s Family cause his hair would be so straight. Also, when Mark Stone gets a taste for blood (the puck) he can sniff it out from anywhere (takeaway the puck, not eat the flesh off human bones)
Guy Boucher is.....LEATHERFACE
Are we sure Guy Boucher isn’t wearing a mask made from human flesh?? What’s with the scar? Seems fishy to me. Plus, I heard Boucher likes to bring a chainsaw into the dressing room. Just to keep the players honest
Dion Phaneuf is.....FRANKENSTEIN
Both are slow, lumbering individuals. One is dead and the other is dead inside. Just kidding Dion. You are the heart and soul of the Sens....but whose heart is inside your body eh???? Why has Erik Condra gone missing....interesting isn’t it?
Craig Anderson is......JASON VOORHEES
Duh!! Both are goalies. Both are bald. Both use machetes to separate frozen chicken breasts
Mike Hoffman is......SAMARA
Samara? Who the F is that? Samara is that freaky lady that comes out of the TV in The Ring and KILLS YOU when you watch a video tape. In Hoffman’s case, when you watch highlights of his sick moves, you have a heart attack because of the unbelievability of it all
Dany Heatley is......QUASIMODO
Mark Borowiecki is.....THAT GUY FROM THE HILLS HAVE EYES
Boro isn’t mutated or nothing from the fallout of nuclear tests done out in the boonies......OR IS HE???? HAHAHAHAHAH
Logan Brown is......EDWARD FROM TWILIGHT
Logan isn’t a vampire or nothing. They’re both just really really really really good looking.
Jean Gabriel Pageau is........THE ZODIAC
The Zodiac killed a CAB driver. Pageau kills the HABS. It’s a play on words guys: CAB HAB. Pageau isn’t really a killer. He just plays really well against Montreal.
Thomas Chabot is......MICHAEL MYERS
No one knows where he came from or why he’s so crazy (good at hockey). Chabot plays with a stoic demenor and never ever shows emotion when he stalks his victims. Also, you can’t kill him. Like, they shot Michael Myers....and he lived. It’s ridiculous and unbelievable. He’s a human. How did he survive that? RIDICULOUS
Cody Ceci is......FREDDY KRUEGER
All Sens fans gained up on poor Ceci and basically burned him alive in a boiler room (social media). But now Ceci is back from the dead to exact revenge on all you fools who wrote him off (metaphor for burning alive in a furnace). He will enter your dreams and score beautiful goals by jumping into the rush smartly.