Good morning Sens fans. Or is it a bad morning? Are you tired, grumpy, hungry, and even inches from death because you tried unsuccessful to stay up late watching the Sens game all the way out in Vancouver?? If you tried and failed, it’s because you’re an idiot, and you didn’t implement my special life hacks to do it without the misery. Vancouver is 5 hours behind. You need to make up 5 hours somehow. How though? Here are my Life Hacks:
1. Take thumb tacks and attach your eyelids to your forehead. You’re gonna have to really stretch those eyelids and yes, blood will squirt. But guess what? The loss of blood will send you into full panic mode, and panic provides adrenaline, and adrenaline will give you all the energy you need to stay up late! And as a fail safe, your eyes literally can’t close! (Warning, if you are on blood thinners, do not attempt this. You will bleed out, and die)
2. Take a shot for everytime you see Matlock playing on TBS. That show sucks hard, but old people love it. Because Matlock is super old. It comes on so often that you’ll be 8 shots deep come 7pm Eastern Time. You’ll be so hamboned that you get naked and run the streets of Ottawa screaming, “SENS ARE NUMBER 1” And then the cops will beat your legs with their clubs and you’ll be in the hospital getting your stomach pumped and your legs reset. By the time you get released from the hospital, the game will be on. It’s a win win!
3. Practice voodoo
4. Turn on all the lights in your house, put on a large pot of coffee, and when it finishes brewing, take the full pot over to your neighbor’s house, offer him a cup, and when he tells you to get off his property, throw the hot coffee all over his face, drag him out back, and steal his wallet! Go to Best Buy and buy a really big TV! And then gently place the neighbors car in the lake. Because he is a Habs fan and also a huge asshole.
5. Take a nap and set an alarm
6. Take battery clips, place one end on your **** and the other end in the microwave, turn on the microwave, and get the shock of a lifetime. 2 things could happen: you could turn into Spider-Man’s arch nemesis Electro, but use your powers to watch Sens games instead of destroying the world, or, the electricity will literally light your body on fire and you’ll have to pour a bottle of vodka on yourself to put the fire out, only to realize alcohol feeds the flames, and you jump out the window screaming and your neighbor points at you and says, “He who laughs last.....laughs last”
7. PVR the game, avoid spoilers, and watch it the following day
8. Learn how to do Inception. When you’re awake in other people’s dreams, you can influence their actions in real life. Go into Mark Borowiecki’s dream, and make him believe he is Erik Karlsson. But then you realize that Boro has installed Erik Condra and the Boyz as his dream defenders, and they kill you in the dream. And then you’re stuck in a deeper dream where you are forced to watch Mark Borowiecki skate in circles while he eats Capt’ Crunch. And finally, when you and Mark Borowiecki are 90 years old on death’s doorstep, you wake up....and the Sens game is starting
9. Avoid caffeine. Sure, it may give you a temporary boost in alertness, but over time, it will actually make you crash and fall asleep
10. And finally, hide one Rattlesnake somewhere in the house. The very thought that it could be anywhere will keep you up at night. But then the pizza delivery guy shows up, and slowly, the Rattlesnake drops down from the ceiling, stalking his prey, and then it wraps around buddy’s neck and bites his eyeballs out. And then he sues you, you lose your house, and you spend 6 months in prison, and then another 3 years of probation. But guess what? You watched the game in it’s entirety. Win win