5 things i love about christmas

5) i get to drink all the cokes i want but one time i drank 4 two-litre bottles for lunch and then my belly went all nuts and i started to cry waiting in line at walmart and then someone yelled "we need a medic" cause i guess i started to bleed from the eyes?

4) i love christmas music and i listen to it all day long. but one time they played a sad willie nelson song and i said "f**k that" and then i drove my car through the neighbours front door

3) when i wake up christmas morning and i get to open my presents, but then my brother the asshole wrapped up a rattle snake and i was injured pretty bad

2) all of the treats: ginger bread, sugar cookies, chocolates, but one time my aunt gave me laxitives on accident and i shit my pants at church

1) placing the star on top of the tree. but....one time uncle roger got drunk and he fell off the ladder and landed on granny while she was holding her favourite mug full of rum. well anyways, the mug shattered, and poor uncle roger was never heard of again.