how to carve a pumpkin

i know in the past, my how-tos have turned out pretty badly but i have a feeling about this one. what could possibly go wrong. this time i'm using professional tools forged from the finest...... ooh chips are on 3 for 5 bucks, NOT BAD

first thing's first, choose the plumpest most biggest most beautiful pumpkin you can find. i bought this one at the corner gas station

before you begin, get really drunk

here we are. the liquor will get you loose and the creative juices will flow more naturally

ooh that'll take the hair right off your balls

well now that i'm drunk it's time to start using knives. but of course, you have to trace where you carve, any idiot knows that

ok next step

oh that went down the windpipe

ok, with all that pinterest crap out there, i wanted to keep it nice and simple.

she's prepped and ready to carve.

oh hey, i didn't see you there

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YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS

so now you gotta get the sharpest knife you can find

keep that pumpkin steady  

hey i wonder if the sens will beat the bruins tomorrow ni....

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.........

AUNT EDNA CALL 911 

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IS THIS REAL, IS THIS REAL?!

oh. getting a little woozy here..

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