Why I'll Never Go Camping Again

5) When I was sitting in a fold out chair by the campfire, my leg fell asleep and made it's way to said fire. It took me 5 minutes to realize I could see bone. Talk about well-done (i'm being sarcastic, I was actually badly burned and was told i'll never properly walk again. So, pretty serious stuff).

4) Of course, mom and dad picked a camp site on a hill, so guess what happened next? That's right, clumsy old me tripped and rolled violently to the bottom. My parents were sleeping, so I was down there for a good two days till they found me. I think every mosquito in existence had a bite. I was quite ripe by the time I went home.

3) Getting attacked by Jason Vorhees was the single most terrifying moment of my life.

2) Uncle Charles got drunk and decided to play with some illegal fireworks. I'm talking hand grenades. By the end, half the campsite was charred and Granny was missing. Man, those things are LOUD. Who knew?

1) After dad took a number 2 in a "OUTHOUSE", he didn't even flush and I was overcome by the smell and the amount he pooped. It was a massive pile. I couldn't fucking believe it. He must have had some tummy ache before....since he clearly had about 50 pounds of shit in him.

For these reasons, and these reasons alone, i'll never camp again.