My Worst Jobs...EVER

1) Pulling on my dad's finger when he needs to release gas. A fart essentially. I took it seriously, but everyone would laugh when he did it. Also, when I didn't get paid after 2 weeks of torture, I put plastic wrap over the toilet seat. And then I pulled his finger again. No one laughed after that. I was fired.

2) Being Mike Tyson's sparing partner. I lasted one punch. The left side of my face was caved in and I was eating through a straw for about a year. Worst part of it wasn't even Mike Tyson. I was lying. It was a horse named Horace who kicked my head in after my parents neglected watching me. Or at least that's what child services said.

3) Cleaning Granny's dentures. It was sick, like I mean vomit sick. One day I put hot sauce on them because Granny was pissing me off. She didn't even react. I think because she was drunk. When she gave me only one quarter, I gave her the finger, and I quit.

4) Working at Hortons. My very first shift, I badly burned a client with a fresh pot of coffee and I got caught eating the left over honey crullers in front of customers. I didn't care anyways because they were pricks. Who throws out donuts anyways??? I was fired.

5) Sucking farts out of bus seats? Okay, even at the time I thought it was sketchy. I should have known Adam, my hockey teammate, wasn't a real employer. Hind sight is 20/20 my friends. I barely sucked any out anyways. I was just playing along...