Hi guys, my name is the bRian. You may know my articles such as “Pageau lights a hockey stick on fire and gets arrested”. Since I have unprecedented inside access to the NHL and the Senators, I have decided to write a weekly column that’ll contain stories that’ll make your head fall to the floor. Today, I have two juicy stories that I believe may alter the history of civilization as we know it. I’m talking Dinosaurs didn’t exist alteration.
We start with a parculiar signing the Senators made last week. A man name Max Veronneau. First of all, that name sounds made up. That got my brain sparking. And then it came to me: Veronneau might be a superhero or alien. Have you ever seen the movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl? I have, like 50 times. It’s got buddy from Twilight that never wears a shirt. LOL who are you trying to impress buddy? Put a shirt on right? Where was I? Oh yes, so Veronneau might be a superhero and or alien and his mission is to score a bunch of goals and make a lot of money and to win a Stanley Cup for the Ottawa Senators. SCANDALOUS. It says on his profile that he went to school at Princeton. LOL Max nice disguise. It’s literally impossible to get into Princeton. I once applied for Princeton and I received a cease and desist letter back. I researched further and found out my Granny wrote my recommendation letter. It stated the following:
“Hi, my name is Granny. I have had 4 quarts of the purest vodka known to planet earth and I am right drunk. Please accept bRian to your school of learning and if you don’t, well then F**K OFFFF”
My next story is both sad and yet, inspiring. It all started one stormy night. Mark Stone and Brady Tkachuk were eating pizzas when Brady suddenly yells, “WHY THE F**K DIDN’T YOU ORDER MORE CHEESE PIZZAS?” Mark Stone then sent Brady to his room in the attic. Brady then yelled, “I HATE YOU MARK STONE I WISH YOU GOT TRADED”. Mark Stone had one tear come down his face and said, “You’d be pretty sad if I got traded”. Brady then said, “No I wouldn’t”
The next morning, Brady woke up and Stone was nowhere to be found. He turned on the TV and saw the announcement that Stone was traded to Vegas. He then got the biggest bowl of ice cream ever and yelled, “HEY GUYS, I’M EATING SWEETS FOR BREAKFAST AND I’M WATCHING DIRTY MOVIES”. No one answered. It then dawned on Brady that Mark Stone was gone forever and that he would never be coming back. Brady was sad. So sad that he went to Hortons and ordered a bakers dozen Boston Creams and just went at it. He was crying so hard that Hortons had to call the cops.
Okay, that last part was actually me. I ate a lot of food that day and every day since and before.