As I write this, it is exactly 46 days until Christmas morning. However, tonight feels as though Christmas is tomorrow. But it’s not. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new NHL Season. I am so excited that I am pretending that it’s Christmas and I am drinking homemade eggnog and vodka. There is a lot to be excited for this season with the Ottawa Senators and if you don’t believe me then that is your opinion. But it’s a wrong opinion.
First, I am so excited for Scott Sabourin. Everyone said that he wouldn’t amount to nothing but he amounted to something. A big thing. So big that he made the team and now he laughs and belittles you naysayers. He will bring an element of ferocity not seen since the bear attack of Lanark County 2002. That was a dark day indeed. But Scott brings a bright day. Since I’m talking about it….doesn’t Sabourin remind you of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? He has abs for days and he can dance like the world is on fire. You know what I mean? He’s so funky. Funky Scott and the Sabourin Bunch.
Let’s talk about the demotion of Logan Brown. How about we don’t call it a demotion? Let’s call it a kick to the sack. Yes, I may have acted irrationally by tipping my neighbors car over and breaking into his basement and stealing his 4K TV, but I had the right to. I thought Logan was going to be a star this season. And you know what? I still think he will be. I think he scores 4 goals in his first game in Belleville and when Pierre calls him to bring him up, he simply says “no” and hangs up the phone. And then he calls back and says “Just kidding Pierre” and then Dorion says “It didn’t sound like you were kidding Logan” and then Brown says “well I was” and then Dorion says “I have another call” even though he doesn’t have a call and he hangs up on Logan.
I am so excited to see Craig Anderson have a monster season. He’s even changed his gear and now he looks like The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. You remember that movie where like he explodes and then marshmallows get all over everyone? lol how would you get that out of your hair? I know how you would, Pert Plus. Wait what was I saying? Oh yes, Anderson is in the last year of his contract so he will be playing lights out. One time I turned the lights out and said Candy Man 3 times in the mirror and then I crapped my pants when he said “hello” but it was just Larry on the toilet and then I locked him in the bathroom and stole his wallet.
Brady Tkachuk already looks like he’s going to take another step forward this season. He came into camp with an extra 20 pounds of muscle on his already muscular frame. I also gained 20lbs this summer on purpose but guess what? I did it by eating nothing but Ah Caramels soaked in whipped cream and then topped with maple syrup and then I made a large cake batter and placed them inside that batter and then baked it and then I took two large Dominos pizzas and ate those while it baked and then I topped the cake with mini Twix Bars (or was it Skor Bars?) and then I ate it in front of Larry no sharing. Because he’s a prick.
Tomorrow night, the Senators play the Toronto Maple Leafs of Toronto and I bet you $10 that the Sens will win. You wanna know why? Because I am from Ottawa, Canada and that’s why I cheer for the Senators because they play in Ottawa. Right? It’s not rocket science. Why would I bet against my team? Only IDIOTS would.